Love not fear

There is a new song that plays on K-Love called Perfect People by Natalie Grant, and it starts out talking about pushing things under the surface and hiding behind a facade of happiness but that only lasting for a little while, and then it breaks into the chorus about coming broken and scarred and lifting your heart up to a perfect God. I was also given wise advice about letting that fear become love and grace, and doing things out of them instead of fear. This is so good for me! Realizing that I can take a situation and see it through the enemy's eyes and live out of fear, or see it through God's eyes and live out of love and grace. It's refreshing seeing my situation through different lenses, and realizing the hope that is there. I am so excited about this new stage and new outlook.

Fear

God has presented me with what I feel is the heart of where my hesitation in full faith comes from. Fear of doing, saying, or thinking the wrong thing in fear of him turning his back and walking away. I have always kept quiet when things bother me, let things roll off back when I get angry, not spoken up when I should have, all out of fear. Fear that something huge and catastrophic would stem from my actions. But I'm tired of living out of fear. I'm tired of setting up shop and staying put and not saying or doing anything, out of fear. I want to come to terms with my fear and kick this habit to curb! I want to be free!

Old scars and New realizations

Yesterday, a particular conversation lead me to tears. Not just one or two, not even a good 5 minute cry, I cried for a good 20 minutes. I was just really hurt, and I felt it in my heart. It was like as if something was scratching, deep into my heart on top of old scars. It made me realize that I have a lot of scars and pain from this person that I haven't realized until yesterday. This pain also made me realize that I believe in a God that, if I let him, he can come into my heart and heal those scars and relieve those pains. There is a song by Tenth Avenue North called Hold my Heart and I feel that the song really is cry from heart out to God. Come close and hold my heart. The relief and comfort from saying those words to a comforting and compassionate God is indescribable. God is so great and so good, and its just amazing to think that he wants to heal me. ME!! Who am I, ya know? I sin just like everyone else, and I know that I can give more of myself to God but even still he wants me to feel his comfort and to know his strength. God is just so so so so so good!! Amen!

Birthdays and Missing out

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, and it was such a good day. My brother and his girlfriend Chelsea came home and Chels and I made breakfast and Josh cleaned the dishes. Then we all went to chico, Josh to get his haircut and look at bike shops and my mom and I went to workout. Then we went shopping because my mom wanted a new shirt to wear to dinner. We went to Olive Garden for dinner with my grandparents and then went and saw the movie Up, which was AMAZING!! But about half way through my day I got a text saying there was a goodbye party for a good friend who was going to be moving in about a month. I didn't know what was worst; not wanting to go, or knowing I didn't want to go. I was kind of hurt by myself to think that I have known this Kid for practically my whole life and I couldn't bring myself to go to his party. Not because I didn't like him or there was something I was trying to avoid, but because I wasn't sure if there would be alcohol there or not. Another really big thing for me to question: Is my issue with alcohol and partying big enough for me to not go hang with friends and say goodbye? I feel because I have found that I am not all for drinking and partying, I am immediately alienated from most of my friends from back home, which sucks because I have known them for so long and I want to continue to be close to them and see how they are doing and them do the same for me. It seems as if everything that would draw our group together in high school can longer be unless that thing is a keg. To sum it up...love my family and I cannot wait to get back to school!!

Sin, Love and Grace.

Ok so I have written and erased this entry about a dozen times now...haha and I'm a little unsure on how deep to go on these things, but here it goes. Last night I was driving home and I was listening to some worship music, songs I have heard and sang to a bajillion times. But for some reason, on one song, I stopped singing and acutally listened to the words. "Your eyes look on me as sin, but see me as love." I can't count how many times I have sung those lyrics but for the first time I actually heard what I was singing. I haven't shaken those lyrics since; replaying over and over again in my mind. I am so amazed that God is able to see all that we do wrong, all the sin in our lives, and yet still loves us. I am just so thankful for the role model that God has become in my life. Another phrase that struck me was "Let grace be enough". I am still wrestling with this concept. It's hard for me to grasp and understand. Oh...and I was also told to mention the KITTY!! lol :P that one is for Josh!